Criminal
by Scecky
Summary: A crime has been committed in Professor Snape's dungeon classroom! WARNING: Contents may disturb you. In a bad way.


WARNING: Contents may disturb you. In a bad way.

"Seventy-two points from Gryffindor! Back away, brats, there's nothing to see here!" Severus Snape spat as he unrolled bright yellow tape in front of his dungeon classroom. "WIZARD POLICE LINE. DO NOT CROSS," the tape said.

Seamus Finnegan rolled his eyes and forced a wad of chewing tobacco into his mouth, practically choking, but not as much as he had trying to swallow Ginny's strap-on. It tasted slightly tangy, like an orange-flavored Bottlecap candy. The tobacco, not the plastic fuckpole. He chewed a little faster, lost in thought, feeling his own plastic fuckpole inflating in his green dockers until WHACK! Something smacked the side of his goddamn face! Making him spit out his glorious chew toy!

"You're so gross and such a loser I can't stand it!" Snape screamed at him, finally slapping him - hard! with a car antenna.

Seamus sneezed as Severus Snape in confusion. What was that metallic fuckpole Sevvy was whipping him with? He didn't know, but he a full-blown boner. "What's going on here!?" he shouted in that pussy-bagging Irish accent of his. Sevvy whimpered.

"A crime was committed in my classroom!" Snape took a bite out of the whole, freshly killed cow he kept outside his office, cow blood dripping down his greasy face. It was so greasy that the face oil would rise to the top of the blood and ride it to the floor, splattering on the floor, walls, Seamus's three-incher, numerous pairs of Dockers, and cow carcass. Seamus trembled lustily.

"Are you hitting on me, pizza face?" he asked snidely, hoping not to betray his true feelings.

Severus licked his lips, lavishing in the lascivious lardy fluid. Seamus's three-incher popped out another centimetre, so his boner was three inches and one centimetre long. He leaned casually on the cow carcass to act normal, his elbow lodged in the dead mammal's skinned and oozing thigh joint. When Seamus wiggled his elbow, the carcass made sick juicy sounds.

With the sound of a juicy pop echoing through the castle, Ernie MacMillan shoved another bottle of worthless student potion into his thief's bag, laughing uproarously like Snidely Whiplash. He was going to show that stupid cock face Snape who was the awesomest at Hogwarts if it was the last thing he did! Shoving some bits of old chalk in his bag, he mumbled to himself "how are you going to write shit on the board NOW Sever-IDIOT!" HA!

He had hidden under a desk too ugly for anyone to look at, much like Ernie himself, while Snape put up his tape that was so useless against Ernie's FUCKING GREAT hiding skillz!

Severus heard his name called lightly behind the sticky slippery yellow tape he had gingerly criss-crossed over his dungeon room door like a glorious union jack. 'Sever-IDIOT?,' he thought to himself, stroking his grease-streaked chin with the stumps of what were his right ring and pinky finger. 'My most hated nickname!' he fumed angrily, his stumps rubbing furiously upon his oily goatee. Suddenly, an Auror showed up with FBI back-up.

"Everybody scram!" they shouted *N perfect sync. Seamus turned to go, his bobbing cigar slapping loudly against his pale thigh. As he walked away, his blue Irish eyes narrowed in lust, desire, frustration, and maybe something more....

"I'm Auror Duke Illyria," he explained, offering his brawny man arm for a manly handshake. "Please explain what's going on here, Professor Snape."

Snape sniffled grotesquely, stifling a puke. Duke Illyria's brawny man arm writhed and pulsed under his greasy gaze, jolting to and fro, purple arm hairs waving in the breeze. Snape couldn't open his mouth; it was as dry as a man who had been subjecting himself to a thirst strike, had died thirty years ago, and was cremated's mouth.

Duke Illyria narrowed his eyes at Severus Snape's awkward handshake; the three fingers that were left on his right hand were grasping and massaging eagerly at his own brawny man-hand. Duke wondered in Severus was from a foreign land where such intimate greetings were an everyday occurrence, like maybe Canada. He cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry if my presence... intimidates you," Duke beefed, flexing his guns like Rocky in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. "But I'll need the full story."

Sevvy whipped out his black tube of sex grease and lubricated his mouth. "Sorry sir, I get the cotton mouth when I'm stoned. Please, someone is burglarizing my dungeon classroom! Go, go catch them!" he shrieked like a sissy. Duke glanced through Severus's yellow tape into his classroom.

What he saw was child's fantasy: a merry-go-round! With a man in a top hat and a striped shirt selling cotton candy! A horsey and a chicken! And it was all covered in marshmallow! Dukey shook his head. An average classroom appeared through the fog of delicate candy strings that had enveloped his mind.

"Sorry," he said to Severus, who was staring at him slack-jawed, drooling a little bit of acrid saliva on the cobblestones like a messy piggy, "I hallucinate when I'm high on aerosols."

Duke stroked his right arm with his left hand until it turned rock-hard, much like how George was pumping his beautiful twin Fred's sputtering spelunker to life in Dumbledore's office at that exact moment. When his right arm was as stiff as a stiffy, he used it to penetrate through Snape's flimsy tape hymen and flood his dungeon classroom like semen occasionally floods Tom Cruise's asshole. He karate chopped his way around the candy-covered classroom, repeating things like "I'M COMING FOR YOU" and "I KNOW YOU'RE HERE" in case the mean burglar was around.

Duke had almost finished searching the classroom when he noticed something remarkable-- an ugly desk, too ugly to be noticed by anyone. He hear someone snickering Snidely nearby. Duke's eyes widened and his massive, three-foot chubby tore free of his Auror-issue black dockers with built-in thong. His cock would lead the way.

Ernie made an "oh fuck cock shit god damn shitfuck slutcunt crap damn mothercocking fuckshit" face, but then relaxed, knowing he would never be found. But wait! What was that rustling sound?! Ernie's four massive babyseed spitters were twitching in their khaki boyshorts prison, their high-heeled Ugg cleats prisons, and their yellow and orange glittery kitty-shaped nipple pasty prison! Holy shit! He was going to get caught!

Duke used his armrection and erection to lift the desk and send it flying out of the side of the wall, quite a feat considering they were in a dungeon. And there was little Ernie McDonalds curled up in a tiny ball, his high-heeled ugg cleats sparkling in the sunshine of the busted wall. He squealed like a piggy when Duke lifted him into the air with his prehensile penis, then slammed him on the floor a couple times. You know, procedure.

Duke read Ernie his British Miranda rights while the FBI officers swarmed in and began brutalizing Ernie, strictly in a physical abuse sense, not sexual ( besides Duke). Severus, wide-eyed, stepped gingerly into his brand new Atrium-style classroom, watching the action.

Upon seeing his prized werewolf pelt (when Lupin had last waxed his pubes as a werewolf, he had bequeathed them unto Severus) was untouched, Snape burst into sloppy tears and ran to it, like to a lover in an airport. He wrapped it around his frail, greasy chest and heaved into it, taking in its musky, cheez-doodley smell, and took a quick lick.

Once Duke Illyria's cock had burst ejaculate over Ernie, forming "wizard's handcuffs", his dick turned back into a slinky and he stuffed it in his standard-issue flamenco dress uniform with red turned to Sevvy, who was now covered in grease, blood, lube, and werewolf pubes.

"Looks like we've saved you a rather ... sticky situation," he gloated, using his dainty left hand to motion to the giant mess of cum spilled all over the classroom.

"Looks like he may have been able to come, but never be able to go!" he bragged, pointing with his effeminate left hand at Ernie's cum-covered carcass on the classroom parquet.

"Looks like I... ejaculated over everything!" he chortled, motioning with his left hand yet again at the implicit pun. Severus got the idea that Duke was showing off the sparkling Hope Diamond engagement engaging his womanly finger, and also that Duke was tripping on acid.

He knew for sure when Duke licked the cheddary oil from his cheek, heartily smacking his lips. Mmm mmm mmm. Snape felt vaguely uncomfortable, like the time he and Lily fucked the shit out of each other in James's bed while James was "sleeping" (snorting cocaine under the covers).

All of a sudden, the black FBI agent that had received such malicious hate glares from the racist Snape whipped his razor-sharp machete out and got Snape in a headlock. He slashed his throat and flew away like batman.


End file.
